Friday, May 29, 2009

Rose Colored Glasses...

I have always been person who sees my past in extremes. Those times I was doing poorly, I see as times of deep sorrow and hopelessness, while times I was average to ok I remember myself as doing really amazing! It all sounds great, at least the amazing memories since it makes mediocre memories instantly scrapbook material! The struggle it leaves me with however, is the discontentment with now! Nothing now can even hope to compare to those altered memories of "the good old days" that in reality may not have even been as good as I make them out to be in my mind! Even great days now seem to pale in comparison leaving me to wonder where I went wrong... Do you ever get to this place, where you actually convince yourself through this insane thought process that somewhere along the way you made a left turn, that should have been a right and you have forever paid the consequences?
So I have not been a huge fan of myself recently, and the source that seems to be feeding this disatifaction within me are these cruel, twisted memories of who I was before I decided to worry, and stress, and stop smiling all the time, or you know before I took off my rose colored shades and took a good look around! I actually convince myself that there was a day that I lived carefree, no worries, and was in those days that I was a better person, a better friend, better girl friend, more fun, a better Christian... Now I look in the mirror, and I see my age, I see lines appearing that were not there before, I see how my youth is fading and in its place this...woman. Normally this transition would be exciting, thrilling even! I mean seriously its what we chase after as young girls, dreaming of the day we move from little girl, to young woman, and finally reach being a true, full blown woman! Yet, excitement and thrill are not what I am feeling! Fear, anxiety, even disappointment....
Strange how my mind works I know, but I am in this season of trying to be transparent, good or bad, so here's a dose of "oh my gosh, Bethany is a phsyco", hopefully to be followed up soon by a, awe how adorable she posted pictures of her children:)!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Moving Again...this time not so far:)

So we found out yesterday we got the apartment in westborough, just down the road from the church so hopefully very soon we will be moving that direction!! Love the idea of being so close to Andy's work, and having a smaller place to maintain, and with our savings in this new place I am very excited to say in two short weeks I will be back to staying home with my babies this summer!! YEAH! So much to be excited for, and much to do, so all this to say there has been much going on keeping me from writing and there is a good chance it may still be a while before I return:).. Haiti in one month, and need to get moved before!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Authentic Beauty....

Oh Gosh, I have gotten so far behind in my blogging! Let me see, what's been up? I had been working hard getting ready for Authentic Beauty, and had the amazing experience of speaking there this past weekend! Its been about a week, and I have to say, its not been an easy one!
I have not done a ton of speaking, but enough that I am getting the feel for what kind of speaking i do, and my "style" I guess you could say! Well, for whatever reason, God wanted to stretch me, and I felt like I was very much out of my comfort zone, and came out feeling more than any other time that I have spoken that I laid my heart bare! I am so blessed by those who have shared how God used that in their life, but I have to be honest, I have been the most insecure this past week than I have been since Jr High. It seemed the more I remembered the things I shared of my own heart, the more I wanted to crawl into a hole, or somehow take it back! Amazing isn't it, how Satan can sneak right in there, even after an amazing weekend watching God work, and trusting His guidance, its like I am Eve in the garden... "Did God really want you to share exactly what you shared? Or in your no good sinful flesh, did you screw this up big time!!!"....
I realize right here, in the middle of all the lies I need to stop, be silent, and hear my Savior's still small voice!! You are my princess, I love you, and even in your weakness...most of all in your weakness I am STRONG!!! "
So, Dear Abba, I lay my insecurities, my fears, my pride, and even those things I hope for all at the foot of the cross!! Not my own, but Your Will be done!!