Friday, May 29, 2009

Rose Colored Glasses...

I have always been person who sees my past in extremes. Those times I was doing poorly, I see as times of deep sorrow and hopelessness, while times I was average to ok I remember myself as doing really amazing! It all sounds great, at least the amazing memories since it makes mediocre memories instantly scrapbook material! The struggle it leaves me with however, is the discontentment with now! Nothing now can even hope to compare to those altered memories of "the good old days" that in reality may not have even been as good as I make them out to be in my mind! Even great days now seem to pale in comparison leaving me to wonder where I went wrong... Do you ever get to this place, where you actually convince yourself through this insane thought process that somewhere along the way you made a left turn, that should have been a right and you have forever paid the consequences?
So I have not been a huge fan of myself recently, and the source that seems to be feeding this disatifaction within me are these cruel, twisted memories of who I was before I decided to worry, and stress, and stop smiling all the time, or you know before I took off my rose colored shades and took a good look around! I actually convince myself that there was a day that I lived carefree, no worries, and was in those days that I was a better person, a better friend, better girl friend, more fun, a better Christian... Now I look in the mirror, and I see my age, I see lines appearing that were not there before, I see how my youth is fading and in its place this...woman. Normally this transition would be exciting, thrilling even! I mean seriously its what we chase after as young girls, dreaming of the day we move from little girl, to young woman, and finally reach being a true, full blown woman! Yet, excitement and thrill are not what I am feeling! Fear, anxiety, even disappointment....
Strange how my mind works I know, but I am in this season of trying to be transparent, good or bad, so here's a dose of "oh my gosh, Bethany is a phsyco", hopefully to be followed up soon by a, awe how adorable she posted pictures of her children:)!

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