Monday, November 17, 2008

1John 4:4

So Paul and I have been pretty tight recently..the more I read his writing in the NT the more I feel like we would have been good friends if he were still around!
I was brought back to the passage in Romans 7, you know the whole I don't don't do what I I want to do, and I do what I hate...etc! At the risk of sharing too much, I thought I would be honest in struggle that has been the hardest for me to articulate! I struggle on and off with depression, and have for the past few years I guess! Its one of those things where I want to just not feel like this anymore, and in my head it seems like something I should be able to just shake off and keep running, but then somehow the weight I feel keeps me at best crawling forward!
I have been dragging a bit recently, and feeling Paul's frustration when he writes in this chapter, cause often times, though I don't see my depression as a sin(some may argue that point and thats ok), my response to it can be very sinful! My flesh begins to rise up in me as my desire to control takes over, and I grab onto the wheel instead of leaving everything at the foot of the cross! So I find myself in this place, where I want to do what's right, and find myself not doing the things I want to, and worse here I am doing the very things I don't want to do...Ugh!
So, this morning as I sat before my Savior, with no words, and honestly feeling a little low on faith, He met me...there in my dining room at some insane hour of the morning, My incredible loving God spoke to my heart through His Word!! He said,
"Princess, your are from me (God), and have overcome them, for He who that is you, is so much GREATER than he that is in the world!!!!"
I was reminded that I can leave this pain, this battle in His hands because He is so much greater than all of it...


Lauren said...

hey sweet girl,

thank you for sharing your struggles. i will certainly keep you in my prayers. depression is NOT a sin, and i do not want you to ever entertain that thought in your mind - i strongly believe that it is one of the ways that the devil works to draw people from God. when you have no strength, the Holy Spirit intercedes for you, and it sounds like He did early this morning and made that very clear to you. i am so sorry that this something that you have been enduring. please continue to let me know how i can be praying for you and if you ever are having a tough time and need a listening ear, please call me. you are so precious and so gifted and such an incredible and amazing woman of Christ. i love you dearly!


Jillian said...

hey bethany!
i feel like this has been a long time coming because i have felt prompted to tell you this and never mustered the guts to. for several years now i have admired you and desired to be like you, a true woman of God. Aside from being a sort of creepy facebook stalker and a reader of your blog recently, i didnt know if you would understand and or want to listen....not that i think you are a big meany or anything actually it is quite the opposite. but that fear kept me from contacting you even though i think God was telling me to reach out to you, and today after reading your blog it was like He was like SEE I TOLD YOU... i struggle with depression to and everything you described is how i feel too, except until recently i was like a cat with my claws dug into the steering wheel. But anyway, i just thought i should tell you that you are amazing in so many ways and God is using you well whether you know it or not. I plan to come to Wide Awake on Sunday and i promise i will try to say hi, but i am painfully shy. I hope i didnt creep u out or anything. I am praying for you and hope that God continues to bless your beautiful family and work within you.
In Christ,